Category Archives: Kingsway Counselling Clinic

Great Marriages

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“Great marriages cannot be constructed by individuals who are terrified by their basic aloneness, as so commonly is the case, and seek a merging in marriage.  Genuine love not only respects the individuality of the other but actually seeks to cultivate it, even at the risk of separation or loss.  The ultimate goal of life remains the spiritual growth of the individual, the solitary journey to peaks that can be climbed only alone.”

– Scott Peck

Experiencing the “Big Emotions”.

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“What undramatic lives we lead, most of us. We get up, we eat, we work, we play, we go to bed, and in the morning we get up again. Sometimes we are not very well, sometimes we are not very lucky. We make more money today than yesterday, or yesterday than today; we are annoyed, amused, flattered, offended, happy, unhappy. That is all. We experience how few of the big emotions, how few of the big events. We do not even die until it is too late to be aware of it.

We do well enough without the big emotions. The big emotions are generally uncomfortable, and it is fitting that they should be reserved for others. For we cannot get rid of the idea that there is a Special Providence looking after us, a Providence much more interested, much more careful, than the one which is looking after our neighbour. Others may be run over as they cross the crowded street; that would not surprise us. But it is incredible that it could happen to ourselves. Our first emotion would not be fear, but amazement. Surely a mistake has been made!”

A.A. Milne (author of Winnie the Pooh, in his adult novel, Mr Pim Passes By).

Wanting It All

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“Human beings are impelled … to be dissatisfied with what they have, to want more, to over-perceive threats and act on them, to ignore what we mistakenly think is unimportant, to build and make love and achieve and flee danger – only to recognize, sooner or later, that we can never win the battle. On the grand scale, we will all die, and lose much of what we love along the way. Yet even in our mundane lives, we lose the battle every day – often in ways less tragic than comic. The damn webpage won’t load, the mortgage has to be paid, the boss is a jerk, I’m a jerk – every day, the God-or-evolution given instinct to “want it all” butts up against a reality that rarely provides it. From the paramecium recoiling from the scientist’s pinprick to the existentialist bewailing the emptiness of the human condition, life on earth is hard-wired for kvetching. All life forms want more of the pleasant and less of the unpleasant, more of the good and less of the crap. But you can’t always get what you want.”

– Jay Michaelson

Happy in love

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“Happy comes and goes. Loving someone isn’t that crazy infatuation that you feel at first. That passes. Well, not passes, but it calms down, and then sometimes, when you least expect it, you get a glimpse of the person and it all comes back again, in a big rush.

But even that’s not what you’re looking for. What you’re looking for is the feeling that no matter what, being with that person is always going to be better than being without that person. Good times or bad. That having that person around makes whatever you’re going through better, or at least more tolerable.”

– Robin Hobb. 

Surrendering to Marriage

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“Yet, my fantasy of marriage as a wellspring of contentment has completely disappeared, and so should yours. Thinking you get happiness ever after is a ticket to divorce. I’ll tell you the four things I now know about marriage, from my own transforming relationship and from conversations with other flummoxed spouses:

A.    Marriage can be hell;

B.    The grass is not greener on the other side;

C.    Savour the highs, because one thing you can count on – the dips are just around the corner; and

D.    Nobody is perfect, so you may as well love the one you’re with.

To get to this stage took a lot of work and a lot of tears. I cannot imagine going through this psyche-searing task again with someone new. Therefore, I surrender to this imperfect marriage, because I love it more than I hate it and I committed to this man with a promise that I need to, we all need to, do our best to fulfill.

 

–    Iris Krasnow: Surrendering to Marriage.

Needing other People

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“We are wired psychologically and biologically to need other people. A relational bond with another person that provides an ongoing, pervasive sense of safety and security provides a secure base – a safe harbour from existential loneliness and despair, and a bioenergetic launching pad from which to brave the outside world”.

– Marion Solomon & Stan Tatkin

Good times and Bad times

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“… And it never failed that during the dry years the people forgot about the rich years, and during the wet years they lost all memory of the dry years. It was always that way.”

– John Steinbeck